As I look into this gray-ish virtual sheet of paper, I wonder. What brings me here? What makes me do this? Stare into the oblivion, without even one gripping thought. Without knowing what exactly it is inside of me that wants out. So I listen. I listen to my desires and needs, albeit without understanding them.

I have been reading books as of late. It is not like I never did before that, but since the age of computers I find myself immersed into the literature a bit less than I used to. Books are.. the other part of me. The part I might become. In my childhood, they used to be my only friend. Taking me on adventures, experiencing tragedies, feeling the snow.  They always presented that alternative reality.  You know.. we are bound, want it or not. Bound by laws, greed, selfishness, blindness, dryness.. they have been implemented into  our everyday lives so well that we do not even realize them anymore. It is all normal, part of life. True. But why does it have to be part of my life too?

I might be a dreamer. But I don’t want to see the world in the same grey color everybody does. I want it to have colors. I want me to see those colors. And how can I see those colors? From the books I learned that I have to take chances. Main characters were that mainly for that reason. For taking chances and living true to themselves. Not true to others, true to themselves. How does that look you might wonder. In order for me to live true to myself, I would have to accept who I am, and act accordingly. With me personally, a problem arises. I don’t know myself. At least I think I don’t. Because there are too many paradoxes. Too many mirror sides. Like every part of me has its own wants, needs and emotions.  And that.. creates friction. Not by itself really, just because I try to listen to some more than others. And that ultimately means I am not with piece with my person.

But hoooow can I be? How the hell can I be… ARGH. I sense myself as one BIIG puzzle. Puzzle, that is made of other puzzles. Hmm, let me say it differently. A 3D puzzle. Each piece is made out of jelly. It changes form all the time. The form depends on the time of day, time of week, time of month, time of year, time of life. Each piece creates a different part of me. Shapes it in the way it fits at the moment it gets created. By piece, I mean “me”, other me, personalities that breathe one at a time. Damn, I am describing a metaphor of a metaphor. And I am looking for a new one to explain this one. Imagine yourself as a teacher. In your class, there are 100 students. Their ages vary from 3 to 120. What each expects and needs from the class is something completely different. Now, imagine that and try describing your class with one sentence. Just one sentence. Nothing complicated. The simplest and shortest words you can find. Impossible. At least for me. At least for now. I need to find, what to teach them. The one thing they all have in common. The one thing we all share. When I do that, describing my class will be easy. Back to the second metaphor. Even if the jelly pieces might seemingly not fit together, they do. They are made of jelly. It is in their nature to combine and adapt. And to the first one (in this paragraph). Normal puzzle. You have all seen those pictures that are made of MMAAAANNNYYY smaller ones. And the smaller ones are made of even smaller ones. So, in that case you all know that as long as you stand too close, you cannot comprehend it. Nothing makes sense. By moving back and looking at it from afar, seeing the whole picture can you understand. (this turned into fourth.. >.<) So, with the puzzle, I won’t be able to put it together by focusing on small parts. I have to see the main theme. What binds all of it together.

And the colors will be in their full spectrum.

I only developed these emotions and thoughts after these few days filled with books. First I read a book about a personality disorder. Autobiography actually. I connected that with my moods and my contradicting needs plus confusion all of it causes. The main “point” of the book was that the guy had to realize his condition, accept all of his personalities without shutting them deep inside him and not go and try to change them. And that in big part, can be used for me too.

Next, I read a trilogy. Fantasy one. A lot of mixed emotions and feelings left there. Not all of them good. I learned valuable things though. I remember one line from almost the end. Strong characters create friction. They attract each other, create a need to prove themselves. To prove each other. Doing many things they normally would not and doing many stupid things also normally would not. But the fact does not change, they act as a fuel. (My interpretation) Next. There was this 5000 year old djin. He was kind of like a unwilling helper to the main character of the books. Kid 14 years old. >.< The thing was the most sharp-tongued creature I have ever come across. In the first two books, they fought all the time. Basically hated each other. Doing whatever they could to poke sensitive spots. But even if they did that all the time, they had a deal. Both stuck to it. In the last book, it is basically the same. With one change. The kid (now 18yr old) is much less naïve and pure as he once was. But then again, he cannot stand sending his djin away. And at one point, he wondered. Why? He is only unrespectful , rude and a pain in the ass. Why then can he not get rid of him at least for a while? I would explain it but I don’t think I can. I laughed my ass off at all the witty remarks the djin made. The insight he offered. The cruel truth he was able to discern at any point in time. The kid, how they played games of cat and mouse, trying to catch one another (result would be lethal), .. wah, I am mumbling. It’s too soon. The books still need some time.There's so much of it..

The books make me look up high. At clouds. No matter how soft and white the pillow is, it cannot compare with a cloud. I am naïve.

But I like it.