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Soul Shadowsexodus October 07 MindTricks Nonsense. :) Haha and my freakin weird state of mind. Not like I can ever deny that one. The older I get, the more variabilities I see and recognize. The less I know what is right and what is wrong. Is there right and wrong? I would like to think that whatever we do with a "loving" heart cannot possibly be wrong. Rules. Since we were very little, our world has been painted black and white. No colors. Something is either right or wrong. We base everything on that foundation as we grow up. We are not taught to love and decide for ourselves. We are taught to obey and listen without a thought. And I can understand that, raising a kid would be freaking hard if he never knew what he can and cannot do. No limits? I wonder.. Conscience. I wonder. Are we born with it? Is it created with rules? With love? It is definitely not rules. Conscience is a big part of us. Just try to imagine a life without one. Let me act bold here, I don´t believe there is conscience that could exist without love. So, if love forms our conscience or at least affects it, what do rules do here? Right/wrong principle in other words. It puts a leash on it. I can't love two people at the same time, that is wrong. I can't love somebody that is already taken. What da.. That person does not deserve to be loved. Somewhere on the way, love mutated. It became a selfish exclusive emotion. We give our love like it is a Nobel Prize. Are we nuts? I hope so, then we have an excuse. I have ALWAYS had a big problem with possessive behavior we are all so used to. This is MY computer. MY mom. MY shoes. MY life. MY girl. yadayadayada. What gives me the right to own something, someone? Am I God? I feel a sick feeling inside me when thinking of it. So proud of our possessions. Of our wealth. Of who we own. Sick. Perverse to the extreme. What have we become, really? We barely seem human anymore, don't we? What is the definition for a human? Or humanity? Mine is compassion, love. Rock can't be human. It doesn't feel. Or is it because it doesn't own, posses? What are we? Living rocks? Imagine this. There was a little girl. Her name was Anna. She loved making dolls. They were so different, each unique. Different personalities, faces, clothes, shapes.. Anna put all her love into making them. They were precious to her. Her life. Now imagine a scenario. Her really old grandpa comes to visit her, his only granddaughter. She is so precious, the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He loves her so much, wants to give her whatever he can. He plays with her and her dolls on the floor and asks her, what is it that she wants the most. One thing, bigger than anything else. Anna looks into his eyes. She says: "Candy." :) And grandpa laughs. He wants the same thing. There are two easy to see principles here. Anna gave her love, in turn she was loved by her dolls and by her grandpa. She didn't even know what love is, what we make it out to be. It was the purest feeling of giving and receiving. Not wanting anything else. Grandpa came to realize it too. It is the giving part of love, that makes it love. Loving is giving. Giving care, compassion, help, nice thoughts, smiles, hugs. Making friends for our dolls. Playing with our loved ones. And we shall need nothing else. Besides candy ofc. Lubezn Love. Let me tell you what it means to me. Haven't done that before. :) I love my neighbors dog, even if he is the most annoying creature I have ever seen. I always feel like scratching him. I love the way corn grows around our house, making it like an island. I love to hug people I just met. And the ones I have seen before. All the time. It is such a warm thing.. I love walking with bare feet. Such a good feeling, nothing like it. I definitely still love all my EXs. Taboo topic, I know. But how can I just stop loving a girl? Or a guy for that matter. The definition of my love has changed, but that is all. Thinking about any of them makes me smile. I love my dad. He is what he is, but I still love him. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. I love whoever feeds me. Even if I do it myself. :) I love God. Evolution would never produce love. It wouldn't be necessary. Just instincts would work. I love my home country. I love all the weird nerdy people living all over the world. So much fun. I love artists, how they leave a piece of themselves in their creations. It is so incredible.. I love second-hand shops. So much character.. I love expressions. I love how the keys I type on feel on my fingertips. I love how each day I can look towards. Something new, something awesome. I love uncertainties. Possibilities. Future. Past. Torn jeans. Bitten nails. Homeless people. Astronauts. Gardeners.. haha. I can't stop. You might be thinking funny thoughts now. Don't stop. haha. Just know, that my love is as imperfect as yours is. I can't seem to be able to make people I care about most happy. But then again, am I really egoistic enough to think I can make anyone happy by myself? If yes, do I want to? Do I want to be the sole person responsible for happiness? Kinda funny. A lot of love talk. I am single too haha. In the standard meaning of the thing. Maybe now it isn't bound by one selfish version, making it hard to breathe for all the rest? Whatever it may be, it is awesome. Very awesome. In Iceland, Reykjavik. It is 5:30 in the morning and I am sitting alone in the big living room listening to a weird youtube playlist, all while typing a whole lot of positive things about love. I might need some professional help. I wonder when escort-services finish up.. haha. Now go. Love somebody. Choose a fun way to do it. :) Originally one blog thingie turned into two. April 25 It is kind of funny.That certain feeling, the one that combines all of them into one and threatens to burst. All of them together, in one entity.a serial killer and an annoying old baba have to live in harmony.
I have been talking about how everything is connected to something today. How every action causes a reaction on incomprehensible levels. I am getting sick of it sometimes. And sick is too nice of a word. Much too nice. You know how I say that I don't care for expectations and duties and so on.. I don't care for them, true. But I care for people. And it makes the decisions I have to make sometimes incredibly hard. It is like I have to choose who I care for more. And when that happens, I feel like grabbing an axe and shatter whatever it is that is holding it together. Because the only hard thing about it is maintaining that bond. Freaking ironic that what makes a person's life richer than that of a Sultan's is also the one that causes the most pain. I am realizing it more and more why we all like to follow somebody else's orders. Good behaved sheeps. Because the need for us to deal with 'real' world and 'real' decisions is taken from us. We can't be blamed. Mindless trip that gives us almost a perverse pleasure. No use for a head. In moments like this one, I have to realize it really well. I am pathetic.
Why is there this deep paradox inside of me? Almost forming my core. I don't know. Every single freaking decision I make.. none of them can be considered as purely a good one. I have to sacrifice something, anything in order to pick something else. All this.. bleh, opposites, are killing me. A part of me. The one that truly does believe that everything is 'going to be alright'.
I am painting a painting. And the painting has many parts. Different stories, colors, all forming a part of what makes it what it is. But in order to continue painting, I have to paint over some parts of it I love. That are essential. But in order to move on and continue working on it, I have to let some of it go. How can I? Without it, it ain't the same. It feels like I am painting over parts of my personality. My being itself. And if I continue doing that, I will be forever a cripple, even bigger than I am right now. But it seems that I either have to sacrifice myself or others. One or the other. If I continue doing whatever it is that makes me feel like a masochist, I will simply bleed to death. My soul will. Haha, I kind of feel emo right now.
No matter how much time passes, how long I think about it, the actions I make.. I am always back to this. I have to leave everything behind. Grab a new canvas. Paint that one. And a new one. And another. Not just doing it all on one. Either that (I dont like that possibility so much), or just forget there were ever any limits, edges to it. To simply paint. Wherever, whatever, however. I think I will do that. Right now actually feels like a really important point of my life. One that roughly shapes the rest of it. Thinking about it now, that edge was always really important. That.. restraint of lines, emotions, wishes.. Always being there, limiting everything without me even noticing it. Haha. Damn, it all seems so silly to me now. I feel much better. I know what to do. It seems there is no escaping. Death is an option ofc, but that is for hopeless losers.
Few things have to be changed. Ruthless truth. Has to come into effect. Blinding yourself, blinding others, living an imaginary life.. bah. And all that almost purely for fear of losing. And because of it, that is precisely what happens. Losing a life.. way of life, ideology of it. Belief. It is worse than losing a leg. So, no more. Another one I am increasingly angry with myself about. Losing my calm. Why? It only shows my immaturity and innability to cope with the situation. To hell with it, I can do better. I am and I will. Haha, will see what I will think about the topic tomorrow as I wake up, but for now that is what I sincerely believe in.
This whole writing of mine is one pure mess. But it ain't meant to be an entertaining/educational read, it is what helps me grasp the concentrated thoughts in my head that always like to evade me. And that got accomplished marvelously.
I ain't going to try to please anyone anymore, unless that is what pleases me too. It is a form of lying. Hypocrasy. Sheep-system. If I have to be a sheep, at least I will be the black one. Sven. That naughty little sheep. With the difference that the dog will be a cute little pupppy wanting to be cuddled and that grandpa will have better things to do. And that I have really little interest in the point of the game itself. Understand it however you want to and like. :P
That is it from me. I hate typing on Simon's keyboard, but it was worth it. I am ready to paint the clouds. January 30 post-books effectAs I look into this gray-ish virtual sheet of paper, I
wonder. What brings me here? What makes me do this? Stare into the oblivion,
without even one gripping thought. Without knowing what exactly it is inside of
me that wants out. So I listen. I listen to my desires and needs, albeit
without understanding them. I have been reading books as of late. It is not like I never
did before that, but since the age of computers I find myself immersed into the
literature a bit less than I used to. Books are.. the other part of me. The
part I might become. In my childhood, they used to be my only friend. Taking me
on adventures, experiencing tragedies, feeling the snow. They always presented that alternative
reality. You know.. we are bound, want
it or not. Bound by laws, greed, selfishness, blindness, dryness.. they have
been implemented into our everyday lives
so well that we do not even realize them anymore. It is all normal, part of
life. True. But why does it have to be part of my life too? I might be a dreamer. But I don’t want to see the world in
the same grey color everybody does. I want it to have colors. I want me to see
those colors. And how can I see those colors? From the books I learned that I
have to take chances. Main characters were that mainly for that reason. For taking
chances and living true to themselves. Not true to others, true to themselves.
How does that look you might wonder. In order for me to live true to myself, I
would have to accept who I am, and act accordingly. With me personally, a
problem arises. I don’t know myself. At least I think I don’t. Because there
are too many paradoxes. Too many mirror sides. Like every part of me has its
own wants, needs and emotions. And that..
creates friction. Not by itself really, just because I try to listen to some
more than others. And that ultimately means I am not with piece with my person. But hoooow can I be? How the hell can I be… ARGH. I sense
myself as one BIIG puzzle. Puzzle, that is made of other puzzles. Hmm, let me
say it differently. A 3D puzzle. Each piece is made out of jelly. It changes
form all the time. The form depends on the time of day, time of week, time of
month, time of year, time of life. Each piece creates a different part of me. Shapes
it in the way it fits at the moment it gets created. By piece, I mean “me”,
other me, personalities that breathe one at a time. Damn, I am describing a
metaphor of a metaphor. And I am looking for a new one to explain this one.
Imagine yourself as a teacher. In your class, there are 100 students. Their ages
vary from 3 to 120. What each expects and needs from the class is something
completely different. Now, imagine that and try describing your class with one
sentence. Just one sentence. Nothing complicated. The simplest and shortest
words you can find. Impossible. At least for me. At least for now. I need to
find, what to teach them. The one thing they all have in common. The one thing we
all share. When I do that, describing my class will be easy. Back to the second
metaphor. Even if the jelly pieces might seemingly not fit together, they do.
They are made of jelly. It is in their nature to combine and adapt. And to the
first one (in this paragraph). Normal puzzle. You have all seen those pictures
that are made of MMAAAANNNYYY smaller ones. And the smaller ones are made of even
smaller ones. So, in that case you all know that as long as you stand too
close, you cannot comprehend it. Nothing makes sense. By moving back and
looking at it from afar, seeing the whole picture can you understand. (this
turned into fourth.. >.<) So, with the puzzle, I won’t be able to put it
together by focusing on small parts. I have to see the main theme. What binds
all of it together. And the colors will be in their full spectrum.
I only developed these emotions and thoughts after these few days filled with books. First I read a book about a personality disorder. Autobiography actually. I connected that with my moods and my contradicting needs plus confusion all of it causes. The main “point” of the book was that the guy had to realize his condition, accept all of his personalities without shutting them deep inside him and not go and try to change them. And that in big part, can be used for me too. Next, I read a trilogy. Fantasy one. A lot of mixed emotions
and feelings left there. Not all of them good. I learned valuable things
though. I remember one line from almost the end. Strong characters create
friction. They attract each other, create a need to prove themselves. To prove
each other. Doing many things they normally would not and doing many stupid
things also normally would not. But the fact does not change, they act as a
fuel. (My interpretation) Next. There was this 5000 year old djin. He was kind
of like a unwilling helper to the main character of the books. Kid 14 years
old. >.< The thing was the most sharp-tongued creature I have ever come
across. In the first two books, they fought all the time. Basically hated each
other. Doing whatever they could to poke sensitive spots. But even if they did
that all the time, they had a deal. Both stuck to it. In the last book, it is
basically the same. With one change. The kid (now 18yr old) is much less naïve and
pure as he once was. But then again, he cannot stand sending his djin away. And
at one point, he wondered. Why? He is only unrespectful , rude and a pain in
the ass. Why then can he not get rid of him at least for a while? I would
explain it but I don’t think I can. I laughed my ass off at all the witty
remarks the djin made. The insight he offered. The cruel truth he was able to
discern at any point in time. The kid, how they played games of cat and mouse,
trying to catch one another (result would be lethal), .. wah, I am mumbling. It’s
too soon. The books still need some time.There's so much of it..
The books make me look up high. At clouds. No matter how soft and white the pillow is, it cannot compare with a cloud. I am naïve. But I like it.
December 27 Drunkenness There have been alot of things going all over my mind lately.. It is not like they usually don't.. Just.. I remember more of them than I usually do. I wonder what a right path in life is often. I never came to a conclusion. The best I came up with is that there is no right/wrong. There just is. No universal rule or truth exists. We are all in it on our own. It is something only we are in charge of. Our decisions.. Sometimes, when I look back into a past and I see where something I should have done differently.. I wish I could change it. But only for a moment.. Because after the first irrational thought leaves, I finally realize what changes in my life that small "mistake" did. How it changed the course of my life, gave me something I didn't have before. And I am grateful. I am grateful for all the pain I had to go through to come to this point. You know, I am usually the "fun" person. The one looking only at bright sides of everything. Making jokes out of everything and everyone buried deep down in that shadows the brightness is causing. And I forget. Forget that the brighter the sun, the darker the shadow. I only know how to be my sucky self. I don't know how to adjust. Adjust my behavior. My understanding. It pains me to see how limited I am.. Not at all like I might think of myself all the time. Charming, pleasant, funny, loud, childish, .. All that and much more. I never gave it much thought as to why some people don't like me. At all. Well, I don't care mostly. And even if I think about it, I don't really think about changing myself to fit the images and needs of others. I don't need it. I think of why can there be such hard feelings caused by something completely unintentional. Irrelevant. To me. And I always come back to that path. Because we all walk our own path. Some might discuss between each other what types of asphalt are the best to use in order to improve the endurane of it. And some might talk about the grass growing on it. How to take care of it. The flowers there, bathing in the sun.. How can they understand me when I talk about the road created by the wind? What the world looks like in different perspective.. How nice it feels to feel the coldness on your cheeks. The hair dancing like a herd of wild horses. So I think, should I want to be understood by everybody? Can I really be so selfish? Instead, I should treasure and cherish the understandment and belonging I feel, as few as it is. And I should in turn be understanding to everybody else. Accept them, not based on myself and my ideals, but based on who they really are. Based on how they listen, talk, laugh, glare angrily, ignore, eat, .. Because all of it is amazing when really comprehended. Unique. I really don't know where my life will take me to. Where I will take myself. But that does not depress me. One bit. I admit, it would be nice every once in a while to know something for sure. To know for certain about a point in the life I can count on. Always. That point tho, it might not matter whether I count on it or not. It will be there. It might change with time.. Grow into something else. But always there. In my heart. Being the reason I can never feel alone. Be alone. I know a story of a baby eagle. Farmer found an egg, and seeing how he can do nothing to help, he put the egg to his chickens. The baby eagle was hatched. He looked like an eagle, but in all other aspects, he was a chicken. And he remained one as long as his eyes were faced down, towards the earth, searching for worms. The moment he looked into the sky, he forgot about the ground. Forgot about the chickens. About everything else. All that remained in his head was the sky. And he flew. I have no clue where this story came from. Or why did I write it down.. It just appeared in my mind. I also don't know what the point of all this writing is. If it achieves anything.. If I want it to achieve anything. But it is inside of me. Among other thoughts, rarely spoken about. Christmas, eh? Another thought comes to mind. Drunken men are honest. Even to themselves. Some don't need alcohol. November 06 HYPERSO!!! I haven't felt like this in a long time. it feels like it accumulated and it finally burst open. like ya know, when you get tense and tense and all that, and then you jerk off once and you are as good as new? well, in that sense, I haven't jerked off in weeks. MY WHOLE WORLD IS SHAKING!!! I have noone and nowhere to relieve my whatever this is on! sooo many things not going the way they should which annoy me to the end of the world. at least for the moment. and NOTHING I can do about them!! seriously screwed up. oh yea. wat is with that phrase?! SCREWED UP. I mean, COME ON! !!! since when is that a bad thing? RAPED UP!! getting a little worse, but I sill see no OH WHUUT NOOOO WTH AAAAAA kinda thing. from now on, I am saying SCREWED UP when I get a present or smth. when I get screwed?! seriously. what is with all the bad meanings sex-related words bring. FUCK! OOOOO. PLEASE CENSOR ME! alright. I will, but you can freely threaten to kill me and such. oh, want to see a photo of a guy shooting a child in the head? quite entertaining. yap, no problem, you can get the uncensored version. SINCE THERE AINT A CENSORED ONE!! damn, is the world RAPED UP or what. raped up by all the big money making corporations and hungry assholes making more money than they can spend by RAPING us all. alright, so most of us dont realize that, some of us dont really care since we know that we ar emissing on nothing. still. THINK PPL! dammit. it is so hard to get people to think these days. we get sooo used to not using outr brains. to just.. swimming that "corpse" style. baaah.. alright, so I like to think of myself as a flegmatic persona. yoohoo. life is still screwin with me! and as we establishe d before, that is a good word. SO ALL IS GOOD! life is just making everything not boring. or I do. or dunno who. noothing is ever boring! at least in my head. want a piece of it? well, another one. sure. you know 'the saying, think outside the box? you knwo what? THERE IS NO FREAKING BOX!! seriously. how fucked up is that? the whole marketing world is one biiig box which they made for us. and it aint even there. you know the story, cesar's new garments? or smth like that.. that Anderson guy wrote it I think. well, the guy was NEKKID! and noone told him that. he was oh so proud of the brand new clothes he got made showing his white butt to the whole world. and noone uttering a word. and you know why? HES THE BOSS, HE MUST KNOW!! being a boss doesn't change the fact that he's an idiot. it only multiplies it. pissesssssss meee offf!!! I want to bite at the slice of freaking life!! and I want the pizza to be the biggest one EVER and with every imaginable ingredient on it. I might never be as happy as your neighbour. definitely not as happy as your neigbhour's dog. but I will be content. I will have stuff to do. or stuff I chose not to do. or whatever really!! I am pretty sure I am going to screw my life up over and over and over again. In a RAPE IT way too. I did, I do and I will. buy ya know whta? after the first.. few days or weeks which are not the most pleasant ones, it all gets better!! muuuch better. because the change I made. it was my wish. it wasnt forced on me, I didnt "have" to do it and all that grown-ups crap.. what do I really need? NO FREAKING CLUE!! caps lock for sure. good thing I have it.. I need too much. and too little. on the other hand, I give too much. and give too little. it is like I am rich with air and reeeaallyy poor on water. so water you can get as much as you can possibly want or think of, but water.. water is not here. so, it's a NO-NO. cant help there. I tried. I will try. I wonder if I will ever be ablel to become a.. "part of the community". to be reliable in that standard meaning. I am reliable in my own way. ya know, when you get to know someone and you know his/hers flaws in and out? and you know exactly what you can count on him/her and what not? kif you do, that person can be totally reliable! if you know what to expect ofcourse.. AAAAAAA I want to throw all my plushy toys out of the window. I want to have a pillow fight. I WANT TO FREAKING KICK A SQUIRREL IN THE NUTS!! I want to throw myself of a plane. parachute optional. I want to make holes int he wall with my fist. I want to freaking scream!! at eveeeryything! att all the.. emotions, urges, needs, EVERYTHING, boiling up inside of me!! I want to kick people in the face for nto being who they are or can be! I weant to drive a car off a cliff! or into a wall! for the last 3 seconds, which will last for an eternity. when my body will tighten up, my senses will get crystal sharp and I will LIVE! for those 3 seconds. I will live as I want to live my whole life. a suicidal life that sounds even to me.. haha, I usually empty myself up when I write these things. well, when I am done. like I had one reaaallyy long jerk. not this time. I could prolly keep on writing for a reeeaallyy long time. I dont think I stopped to think for even a second for the whole thing. it just floowwsss.. goes out. ah. well, I should have fun reading this some time in the future. because it will be definite future by the time I will be reading this again. but now, I gotta think of something I can do that will take a good care ofo me and calm me down.. pants will stay just where they are. WHATEEEVAAA! I am done. I might come back to write some more. or I most likely wont. but who knows. hope it was fun reading, in case you were crazy enough to do so. /p March 07 DragonThere is an angry dragon inside of me. He's unhappy right now. uhm, let me rephrase that. he's angry as hell. at me. and I am angry at him. and at myself. for letting him get inside me and even preparing him a nice nest.. I fed him, talked with him, we dreamed together.. sharing those made them almost real. but today we don't dream. today we fight. for the life of me I can't figure out who is winning. or who I want to win. dragon is a beautiful creature. rare. some say extinct. but I know they are not. since I know one of them. but right now, I see no gentle, kind pet. I feel a ravaging beast that wants to change me. wants to change itself. wants to get out of this shell called human. he wants to fly. and right now I don't. and it is tearing us apart. literally. my breathing is slow and hard. my heart is beating slow. I am calming myself down. if I don't, I can kill the dragon along with myself. I love that dragon! I never had one before. but him being there is just.. so.. painful. I care for him. I don't even know him enough to know what he needs. I feel like he can die any time.. terrifying.. can we survive by ourselves? probably not. can we survive with some support and affection we both need? probably yes. how long? not long. I want to grow strong with him. I want to name him. a name that he will like, that will fit him. I want us to fly together. and I want us both to survive. anything. everything. whatever happens. because if I don't only lose the reason my dragon was born but him too.. that is two thirds of my life gone. I am almost 22 years old. kinda old but not really that old, right. but I have this feeling.. that this is it. that I have to work for that. and I want to. I will. I do. but I need my dragon to be happy while I do. he's my fuel, my strength, my part of me I never knew I have. but I do. and he's strong. stronger than I am sometimes. and I love him for that too. I need to be humble. I need to accept my inferiority. this brought me to this. tear me apart. do whatever you want with me. just.. be strong. stronger than I can ever be. I will do whatever you want.. I have this one try in my life. I want to do everything humanly possible. dragonly possible. AND if that is not enough, THEN I can live in peace. then my dragon will hug me. and we will both be sad. for a long time. but we will survive it. alive and not afraid. beware of the dragon ^^ I'm in better mood now. I can actually smile. breathe normally. dragon is happy too since we have a resolution. in one we survive, sad but content, in other we achieve what we want, need, long and live for. this blog thingie is useful sometimes. /p January 29 She be an excellent bitch.'ello! lately, I am beginning to be quite sure my computer is a woman. I mean, no male could quite annoy me as much as a woman can. or at least my tolerance would not be this high. my knuckles still hurt too. now I know better. ^^ still, I managed to do alot on her. I read a book! the title is actually from the book. I can't get it out of my head. haha... aaandd, I saw 4 seasons of scrubs, gossip girl, how I met your mother.. all a good time wasters. ;D having troubles getting out of my winter sleep.. a girl usually helped with that. :) anywho, listen to something. I am not all moody right now so nothing deep from me. music does that better than I can anyway. in case you see player not: link until next time! November 23 again?1am
I am not going to bed yet. not far from it thou. at friends place, ripped all the interested music he had and found, listening to XM satellite radio, writing down interesting songs I hear to check artists out later, considered for a while there to write one of many emails I owe and "should" write sometime soon, discarded the thought as soon as it came and came here. beautifully non-personal. yet still I can write not feeling weird, like watering the ocean.
I really like it here. Robi lives here. "up north". relatively speaking. first time I've been here was 3 years ago. I think. 3 or 4. I remember having short hair at the time so 3 years seem a little flamboyant.. no matter which window I peek out of, all I see are trees. and road and other things, but you get the point. like making a wall between you and civilization. loving it. I do wonder why I am that way. I love solitude. In a way. I need love, emotions and all that, but I rather don't have human contact when I don't want to. which is most of the time usually. that is one extreme. the other is that when I do and I chose so, I am beaming with positive energy of sorts. making "crowds" laughing, having amazingly good time, appearing childish usually and so on. solitude/joker. still can't consciously get these two things in the same person. much less me. I am also finding other sides. maybe not as extreme, but quite different. my anime/manga stage, my reading stage, my flirting stage, my photography stage, my bike stage, .. whichever it is at the time, it is absolute. it eats all the others up. or so to speak. that makes me either a simpleton or an incredibly dedicated person. I don't like the simpletone possibility, so I will go on to the dedication. haha. that's my first comment. there are not many things I stuck with to the end. my dad actually reminded me of that today in passing.. I did finish primary school I guess. mostly because it was mandatory and I was not grown up enough to stand for myself and openly rebel.. my guitar lessons. stopped after 4 grades. I rarely play the guitar since. my high school obviously. gimnazija. athletic training. was actually not bad at it, but quitted for various reasons. my psych being the biggest. it is also really hard for me to keep a relationship up and running. the one that requires things from me. needs me to make an effort. I little into the relationship with me and a girl (dating), I find it hard going with her somewhere. be it a movies, park, whatever. do I really have to be dragged around to do it? because afterwards I usually never regret it. and it just can't all be laziness. I love snowboarding. but usually I can't get myself out and go do it! seems like an invisible wall being between me and things I love. after I get over it, I love it. I am happy. hapy snowboarding, happy with a girl, hapy that I achieved something.. something visible. something important to other people I care about, not just me. happy as I aspire to be, each time I have to break something in me to achieve it. screwed up!
I am guessing this now could be called a writing mood. stage. whatever. you might not realize, but it requires a lot of things. deeper thoughts, strong emotion of something missing, something important missing in my life, a spice of poetic soul, sharing mind, will to ease my mind, lack of people in my presence and others, althought smaller. sometimes the mood is close to depression, or at least used to be, but lately my eyes shine when all these conditions are fulfilled and I can concentrate and get something useful out of myself for once.
I loathe normal. and I don't know what exactly got me to it. I'm a kid that had a not-so-much-out-of-the-ordinary life in my earlier years.. my folks divorced when I was 5,6 I think, some not exactly pleasant memories from the time. ^^ my mom remaried a couple of years after that with a guy I never got along unless on vacations. I feared my dad in a way and was uneasy around him (when I got to see him which was not oftten) for quite few years. he went to states when I was 11 I think. the whole relationship between my mom and him could explain a lot if I think about it. I have a vivid memory of a time that my mom drove me to my dad's place at a time, a small apartment in a small village/town called prevalje or mezica. I had no clue at a time where places were, but I remember it was in that direction. I strongly remember sensing mom's uneasiness as we got there. then I remember stairs. and a red colored bulb. or maybe purple. that's all he had lit in hsi place. and that was not so long after they divorced. which is a really long time for me. considering first memory I have is of my dad breaking through the door drunk and me hiding under the table. again, I would bet that is not THAT different from everyone else. I mean, girls or boys sometimes get raped/molested by their own parents when little, and still manage to live normally. sometimes even get something from it. (not a kid in case you went in the wrong direction.. ^^) it is really hard for me to analyze myself. and get something useful out of it, something to help me move on.
how do memories work? my cousin can remember the most weird things from ages ago. he's 2 years younger than me and can remember back further than I can. and all I seem to remember are the things I find interesting, funny, traumatic and important. not as much of them as you might think! I sometimes can't remember who I dated from the begining. I reember the first girl I had a crush on tho. was 13 or so I think.. she was "going out" with my best friend at the time. the weird thing is that I didn't mind. I remember that really well. "if it's meant to be, it will be." my thoughts. when I was 13!! wtf. who the hell thinks that way when first time in love? and I still think the same. in a way. so whatever it was was not meant to be. was necessary? cruel..
some things I also remember. interesting ones. :) my first kiss. delfin. then my most memorable kiss until now. I was 14! haha. spinning bottle is one crazy game to be played with girls. my couple of love crashes. a couple of them, literally. at one, more recent one, (if 5 years is recent), I was weird. I cannot even describe myself. I was dependant on the girl! I needed her. needed to look at her. I was lost when I wasn't with her. the weird thing is, after I got what I needed from her, I got over her in a couple of days. more of an obsession than love. and the other one was long in developing. and the other one.. does not exist, haha. I thought it did, but I was wrong. desperation not nearly strong enough to be considered the same category. there is another meter. my memory. things that I don't remember. as mentioned, a lot of them. the only problem is not knowing what I forgot. if I knew that, things would be clearer. ^^
there is one big part of me and my growing up I rarely talk about. religion. my both parents are still religious, even tho dad does not go to church very often.. mom's side of a family is in it deeply too. grandma, greatgrandparents were too. umm, what church maybe you wonder. christian, protestant, seventh day adventists. google it if interesting and if wondering what I belive in. I will just give some points out straight, to see the effect it had and has one me. I cursed once in my lifetime and I look back to it in shame. I will doubtfully ever forget it. stealing. I don't feel good if I keep a thing I found lost, even with no way of finding the original owner. I feel calm when in church. I only realized that after I went to states a few times. here I don't go to church. and when I come home, I get back what I missed. I believe in God. not just because I was raised in church, I got to it on my own. some global observings and conclusions, and some personal. I don't want to convince anyone into what I believe. self experience and thought is what matters. my opinion is just my opinion and belief. it should not change anything standalone. I somehow believe in fate. meaning, I don't believe that everything was already decided for me, all I do is follow like a marionette. I believe that there is a meaning to my life, that it has a purpose. because if I don't believe in that, a big part of my self confidence will blow up in my face. not just confidence, a big part of me. I don't believe I could live a life I knew is pontless. and always will be. no reason to it. not even as much as a tree. if I don't have that, I don't have a remote explanation as to why I am the way I am. why my life is the way it is. it actually sounds kind of weak when I explain it in sections, like I make myself believe it or I would lose it. I probably would, but I just feel that way. I believe in it. as I believe my eyes are blue/grey with yellow ring. which noone in my family has, I checked!! weird. >.<
if I offended someone with what I wrote by writing about you.. I don't care. I didn't feel the way I do at the time, but now I do and this is how things are. therefore, I can almost guarantee that if no further effort will be made to communiicate with me, it will all be water on my mill. solitude, remember? it might not be the best thing for me, but I found to cherish it. enjoy it. first tiem noone likes caviar, but you get into it. and you start loving it. hah, now I am offensive. I guess I even inconsciously try getting relevant out of irrelevant. I do not like irrelevance. when it comes to important things. otherwise it might be fun. :)
this just might be the last post this year or at the same time not the last one this week. conditions.. ^^
you are important. to me. I just don't show it. and maybe can't react the way you want me to. (invisible wall and my mind). there is not a lot of chance that anyone that read to the end isn't in that category, and even if you are, you have no clue in what context this goes into. so it is a half completed text for ya. and it wil stay that way. for your own good. hah. :)
another long ass post. it takes too long to write these. and hard to finish up. hard to consciously choose an end. spontaneous is different. mind never stops working, even when I want him to. for a change. change is good. or is it?
/p November 19 images YO well, despite the obvious relevance to something from the title, that won't appear to be the main topic of my relentless rant today. or tonight for that matter. might give ti a few words thou.. july 7th is my latest blog dated. haha. quite amazing. and to think I used to have a score of a one entry per month.. what should be at fault for this? hmm.. creativity, right mood, un/happiness, lack of love, or just something completely different? pick your guess. I will help.. the right mood. hmm.. quit epossibly. but since I cannot tell specifically which mood is the right on or/and what causes it, I have mor echanc eof getting the right LOTTO numbers. next ;D //happiness//. I'm alright. really. :) little unhappy with myself and my accomplishments so far, but it's an unfinished project. (something for my sore wounds..) as for other things.. well, I'm at my dad's place atm and for about another month before coming home. I think it is good for me. as usual, I do not enjoy by being here, but I think it helps me growing up somehow. or at least seeing what a grown up person is like and choosing whether to become one. I have some serious doubts about it if anyone cares to know. hah. creativity. sounds silly when I think of it. I am creative. all the time if I may say so. it just needs the right atmosphere, conditions to show, be seen. the right mood. there is a loop. scroll back up if you sit behind a ridiculously small monitor and can't see what I wrote for that. :p love. everyone likes love. most of the time. side effects can be nasty anyway. I like it. for as long as it is not in chains. then I have to break free. even break free from the love I feel for the person. masochist anyone? ^^ can't be chained. it's a sick feeling for me. tame. hell no. you want tame and obedient, buy a stuffed dog. I may comply to some level, but never those other things. don't even like to name them. bad aftertaste. >.< doesn't really specifically point to "love" category, but it made a nice intro for it. now, let's go to images. my whole life, I am constantly affronted by images of heroes, perfect characters, made-up masks of lies, absurd impossible ways to live a life. presented in nice packages. books, movies, cartoons, games, comics, neighbors, relatives, people in church, my own family.. everyone seemingly being someone better, fitted to be praised and looked-up-to. and even believing it! incredulity of it all is funny in a suicidal way. how can we seriously live in a world showing our "good face" all the time? pretending? for most that works. a while of pretending makes it permanent. already sick of thinking about others. me. I. me. mine. egoistical words. yep, I pretend. I do put up a good face for general people. appearing somewhat better than I am. but in my opinion, that changes as soon as you talk to me. it should. I don't exactly lower my intelligence to appear normal and all other things, but I am not arrogant. but some people think of me that way.. and I can't say I can find a reason for it. intentional one at least. there is that "not on the same level" thingie, but that as I said is not in this field. that is me. images. even when you don't wear any, people suppose you do. since it is normal.. everyoen is used to it. friday night, you go out, meet a really sexy girl, talk with her, she's high-class like and talks with her friends like ther eis no crap in the restroom when she goes to empty herself. so, you keep in touch or even better, go to her place. (her parents are gone (dead or whatever, I dont care)). and the reality kicks in. the chick doesn't really live the way she acts. just an image.. room required dusting a couple of weeks ago, now it needs a renovation, old dishes in the sink, ... whatever. it could be that we regain our selfconfidence that way. back to me. since I am here in states, when I go to store and similar, I am dressed terribly. for work. coz we only go shopping after work. and I don't exactly carry extra clothes with me.. paint on me, dirty pants, torn, ... not exactly the shrieking image of perfectness.. and when I don't find it uncomfortable, I find it funny. going into stores and spending some serious money in them dressed like that. it is also easily seen who cares how you are dressed and look like. cool experience. so, why should we dress good and care how we look? because first image IS important. as long as we don't pretend into infinity. and that way it is also easier meeting people. meeting as them wanting to meet you. talk with you, whatever.. to each his own. different customers, different wish groups. I did think of another approach just today. I've seen my dad creating an acc on some dating site I believe or smth, and his description was hilarious. fat, ugly, loves blondes, .... disgusting things with a hint of humor. if you are smart enough to get it. (haha, I am admitting my old man is kinda smart. alright, I guess I have to. ^^) so, people start with low expectations, and some that find the humor and jokes in it, you will enjoy getting to know. awesome approach. have to update my few accounts on the web to that. ;D now, I have to say that I did think this way before. but it started somewhat later in my _gettingtoknowpeople_. be smart and funny + rude, direct, ... don't make promises, don't care, don't show to care if you care. a drip droplets of water every once in a while.you might wonder how does that work for me. haha. I am single, that should be enough. :) annoyed! annoyed by the crap we talk about in normal circumstances. better to keep mouth closed. lately, I had a chance to see few hints of how males-females communicate and get to know each other. mating candidates. RIDICULOUS!! and I didn't know why people (girls) get attached to me easily. I thought it was normal!! having fun in a conversation. but no, let's talk about people we know about, what happened a while ago, ../.. come one, seriously.. how can that bring people closer?!? on the other hand, I guess it can. plenty of proof around.. it is sad. incompatibility and satisfactionarity with anything. prolly not even a word.. let me say this for myself. I will NEVER EVER satisfy myself with that.be satisfied. I would rather die than ruin my life that way. oh no, you can live just fine like that. but how can you ever know what COULD your life be like if you didn't say "what the hell, this is as far as I go" and pull the short straw? and if I am the only one that thinks that way, who cares!! ( I do but, to hell with it) better never getting laid and sharing a life than that. oh, while I thought of it, anyone in europe (wherever preferably north of me or in the same country (Slovenia..)) wants to snowboard with me, say it. I might even drive LONG way somewhere to do it. since that is another thing I am annoyed about atm. my traveling this year sucked. and my plans fell somewhere wet. not snow.. so I intend to dedicate my winter and all available money in snowboarding and getting something broken. want to join me, say it. we'll plan it out. working here should help haha. I am annoyed by many things. some on myself, some on others. one is this. I meet someone or just see, and I do NOTHING!!?!?! what the hell.. I am a man, right? I suck. and you suck too! saying hi, talking a bit, having a word, a laugh doesn't hurt. and you might, just MIGHT meet someone you will fall in love with or be friends for the rest of your life. someone you are compatible with on the level you cannot even imagine.. therefore I want to encourage you all, when the moment comes, DO SOMETHING! let's say, this is the moment. you got to my bloggy spaces site somehow, weird as it is, and you feel me! you understand what I mean even if I don't say it straight. you laugh. you get sad. you find me pathetic. you want to know what is down there, beneath all the images. made up ones and real ones. do something. :) haha, this sounds too much like dating service or smth.. take it as an example. I want to help the human race. ridiculous as it sounds. if we stop doing what we want or control ourselves, we become hamsters in the cage. and the cage is the self control. we do have all those round thingies to run in, exercising, eating, drinking, hopping, .. but unless we realize that there is something outside that cage, we won't even see the cage. I seriously don't want to be in a cage. the same thing as with chains. not for me. and if outside my cage are only caged hamsters, what can I do? I can as well cage myself and be normal. I am not nearly done. so many things inside that hairy egg-like object on my neck..but normally noone cares. shows no caring. (back to what I said). and as with my photos, if I don't see any bouncing when I throw the ball, I won't throw nearly as many balls as I would otherwise. blessings and all that from someone capable of giving. neki slovenskega na koncu. da ne pozabimo od kje smo. prah. Matevz. July 07 coctailhsssssssssssshh
so it isn't exactly common for me to write something so soon after my last
post. but hey, changes.. ;D
my current mood. hm. I was in high spirits and good mood all day. and now,
well now I am alright. able to think without drowning myself in nonexistant
oceans. I noticed how whenever I write something in here, everything looks so dark. me, without a purpose, without a heart, without many things. but at those times I only mention the things I want and miss. need. those that I have and also need are kind of forgotten. I never write anything in here when I am in love. one way or another. :) $me = pessimist. in many ways. but not all. and I have a will. a strong one at that. meaning, even if I don't have a specific purpose, I won't stop. stopping is only good for me atm, as far as pit stops go. haven't really steadied myself somewhere. don't really feel a need for it. I am still an ignorant, inexperienced person that knows nothing. that will eventually change. why do I know that? because I can not stay that way. because I learn. because I am free. somehow. more than the rest of you if you pardon me saying that. and with that I don't only mean my orthodox lifestyle and "we don't need no education".. that is just a part of me. a platform I guess. a solid ground. even if it does not look that way to many. it is. I am confident. in my abilities. in myself. not ignorantly confident.. seeing my errors, mistakes and weak points confident. I can love. that has been questioned before so I need to give a clear answer. I am actually pretty good at it. and as long as it is not a lovingly love relationships, it is also not short lasting. I care about some people. well, maybe I don't really show that fact, but I do. my guess is that I love a little differently. but you can see it. because it makes you feel good. I noticed that. many cases I won't exactly go into now. and it makes me feel good. because I am human and I need human touch. contact. a talk with a soul close to mine. a hug from a person I hold dear. a smile from someone I love. I need that. I probably don't realize that normally, but right now I do. so, my girlfriend/boyfriend relationships aren't something to brag about. I do learn something from each and every one of them. if nothing else, a new thing about myself. want to hear few of them? (read.) I seek complexity. in a person. when acknowledging (getting to like) someone, I att he same time realize that I could fall in love with this person if we get to know each other and actually fit (mentally), and that even if I do fall in love it would be nothing serious. I take a different approach. I don't say: I want to screw around. nah, I am not like that. I actually almost fall in love. and convince myself that I like the person to the point that I want to get my lips, hands, tongue, body, etc give a full workout. and no, that doesn't happen at the first time I meet someone. at least it didn't yet. and well, this thing called love can come and go. fast. so I figured that there is one thing I haven't done yet. which might work. I haven't let someone grow on me. so real so called love could be born in my heart. capable of returning love, emotions, attaching, and other normal things. "normal". obviously not normal for me. ;D and what is the conclusion from this? that I still wait for my knight in shining armor. haha, so gay. :) nah, but seriously, even if I do get to my princess, and everything will be amazing and oh in sploh, growing will still be required. damn, I am a hard-to-deal-person in these things.. >.< see, I learn. I had no clue that I am like that a year ago. and there are other things.. of course there are. they always are. but whatever I say right now, I won't be writing the main thing. the one that matters the most. I know it is there, I just don't know how to get it on the screen. but this is the real me. without all the teasiness, joking, fun and humor. it is me without the pretty layer I keep having on. the easy-to-approach me layer. hope I left ya with some different impression than I usually do. I am a fun person. with brains. as impossible as it sounds. but sometimes that is not enough. and I get depressed, looking for solutions, answers. for that missing part of me. but I think that could be just age. and all the thing it brings with it. so I will be fine. I can get around. I am not lost. not in any way you might imagine. as far as I am concerned. that thinking could ofcourse change in the future. but until then, I am satisfied. with the potential future I see in front of me. with all the opportunities. something should go right in it. :) so, have fun and do remember, drinking non liquid drink just sucks. ;D (if you manage to do it) howl out loud and scare your neighbors! mwahahah peace! over and out /p July 03 sunglassesthe feeling came again.
I can't help and stop thinking. the moments of me being happy are fake. that the person being happy is not me. because it lacks something. depth maybe. almost seems like a cheap replica.
I sometimes wonder of myself as in fulfilling full potential. all the things in my life become depthless. without any weight. things I do and feel. no true life force behind it. to make them mean something. I experience stuff. learn. live. just without true will. like a car running on water, and the thing it needs is gasoline. it has potential to be powerful, fast, but no driving means - fuel.
I've been waiting for a change for a long time. but as of late, it seems that waiting won't do any good. but what can I do without gas? push myself to some hill so I can go downhill? I don't know.. restless.
I know it isn't normal not to have a dream. I dream of having a dream and chasing it with all my might.
as of now, I doubt that my dream could be a person. really hard to explain. I am not attached. to anyone. but at the same time I find it hard to believe/accept, that living my life would mean being all alone. although my heart prefers it to be that way. contradicting..
someone to protect. I am anime/manga freak. not so much movies and stuff. and that is because the emotions and feelings portrayed in manga are so real, that I can almost live in that world. feeling with them. getting hurt, convincing myself that I am human with emotions. well, what I wanted to say is something else. how characters get stronger. they get stronger by strong emotions and will to protect someone/something. at least the good ones. ^^ so I sometimes believe that this is what I need. but then again, I have no proof that I am capable of having something like that. before lilies wither, they should be touched gently to realize their importance. praised. so they will have the strenght to live longer and fuller. I want to live fuller. true to my heart. which I feel is missing from time to time.
I want a heart. a steady, unbreakable heart. and what do I have right now? weak wind. flying heart. a breeze. changing directions all over. barely noticed. hurricane. tornado. strong. unwavering. heh. my dream I guess.
right, this isn't the only thing. but it is important one. for me. to move on. to grow. in strenght.
just some of my feelings. from the time when I am true to myself and my everything-is-perfect sunglasses are gone.
this is it. scent in the wind. April 30 a pointless heavinessHello. it has been a while. been feeling kinda guilty towards myself for not leaving any traces of my current part of life on virtual paper. my current part of life. it seems like a life puzzle. only I am not exactly sure when do all the pieces come together. and you can see the whole picture. without blanks. not limited to some specific part of it. I sincerely hope that happens a while before I get old (supposedly I do) and die. I want to be wiser. so you can be born smart, right. being wise is something else. you get wise with age, experiences, memories, failures, opinions and objective look on the world. alright, so the order is messed up quite a bit and it doesn't entirely make sense. just added failures in it. it is probably the most important part of it. so, how many times do I have to fail? fail at life. fail to myself. fail to people I care about. so the start is not so bright. but actually my mood could be considered just that. and that is one of the reasons I find no need to write anything. to record my emotions, thoughts and feelings. which kind of sucks to be blunt. I am lately wondering about some things. kind of hard to put it in words. let me try. alright, as you know I am quite of a photography freak. or you don't. now you do anyway. and well, lately few months I can't get myself into it as I did before. I was supposed to make a portfolio and then I could have a gallery of my pictures on display somewhere. do you think I made it? then there is my bike. bicycle. dirtjumper. I really am crazy about bikes since I was in primary school. but sometimes I can't get myself on the bike. not even feeling a need for it. which alone is weird considering how addicted I am to it. then there are books. I always loved reading. all sorts of things. I read so much in first 15 years of my life as I don't know who else did. it could be connected with the fact that I haven't had any real friend as far in my life and that was my way of feeling emotions. well, what I wanted to say is that I still love to read. but I don't find it a necessity. I wouldn't have to read another book in my life if I decided that way and I would feel like I am missing anything. it sound to me like something is not how it is supposed to be. and yes, it also applies to relationships. in some things I am like a little kid that gets tired of his toys soon. and in some things I feel like I am scared of getting attached to something the way I couldn't live without that. psychology has always interested me but I would guess now is the time to seriously start reading in that field. hah, that reminds me of something. I have been to a couple of psychiatries and the result wasn't staggering as you might imagine. at that point in my life I was, hmm, depressed and quite a bit less stable than I am now. but in short what they were telling me was that I am not fulfilling my full potential. right. and that potential is only possible to get maxxed out in school. I am not saying school sucks or anything even if it does for someone. for me, it is simply not the right thing. like, you are a straight girl and people closest to you are only introducing girls to you as in for of marriage material. what is the chance that you will find your one and only in that bunch? exactly. then again, what made you straight tho? you could as well turn out to be gay or at least bisexual.. being a little kid and having a room. room is filled with girls. and you have to be in that room for a decade. having no real joy there, nothing to bring you happiness and emotions needed to love a girl. no connection and feelings of belonging.so what do you do when you actually grow up a bit and can decide for yourself doing what you really want and feel? you become straight. in some way I feel like a nomad. no attachments, no lasting bonds, no fear of losing anything. because you have nothing. I have nothing. and it may sound weird to some that know me as a spoiled brat that I say so. but one measures what he has by what is important to him. this thought makes me look quite pathetic. but I don't think of myself that way. I am growing up in some way in staying a kid in the other. after all, I am turning 21 in few weeks. damn I'll be old. at least compared to when I was 16. was still wearing metaphoric diapers. well, what changed is that I go take a dump in toilet instead of using convenient diapers. even as I write this in some corner of my mind I realize that all this could change. maybe not the physical things but the ones in my mind and my perception of them. snowball rolling down the hill. getting bigger, heavier. crashing into various obstacles, losing the snow accumulated on the way down and gaining it back. just to get turned into water when arriving into the warm green valley filled with birds singing. watering the forest. giving your all for the higher cause even unintentionally. just to realize that the purpose you were waiting for was the end of the road. which makes a purpose getting to the end of the road. walking the road. rolling. and who knows, walking the road might help me reach the sky. February 03 WHAT THE HELLWHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?
So what seems to be the problem, Duck? No damn clue. Actually, there are plenty of clues, just no real answers and solutions. I should write things down probably. So, here we go:
I despise myself. I am fascinated by myself. I am proud of myself. I am a mystery to myself. And I could continue… Simply, I am damn fascinated by smart and independent women, girls. It is like aphrodisiac to me. And why so? Do I seek something above me, something to show me my place, someone. Someone that sees more than I do, and can therefore help me? Am I really that pathetic? I don’t even want to consider this. But you know.. There are ties, bonds are relationships you make while searching or just screwing around. And I seem to be unable to let them go. Like I need a web of bonds to catch me if the one I try to hold onto breaks… Again, nothing I am speculating about here is done by myself after some thinking. It is all in my sub conscience. (Nothing? just the bond thingie) How the hell did these things get there? I don’t want them there. They make me… Unstable. Without a clear goal in front of me. They are probably all just ways to get me sidetracked. And I can’t even tell, what is it I am sidetracked from. Blubbering. Pathetic. Why is nothing in my life as simple as it could be? Because I get bored fast? And therefore constantly need something to occupy my mind? Just to live through it. Maybe learn something. I don’t know. I really don’t know. So many things I don’t know the answer to.
Amazed. And puzzled. And confused. And annoyed.
So many emotions. So many connected minds. Are the connected minds supposed to stay connected? Or are they left on their own? I would like to see the world in its original state. Where everything was perfect. Things were just the way they were supposed to be. No sin, no cloud over the sun. No clouded minds. Emotions. Then there comes The Fall. What could we ever hope to profit? Not really knowing what, but something nevertheless? Why would you EVER want something you don’t need? SO DUMB! Corrupted minds. Corrupted emotions. We no longer see what it is we need. And want.
I should talk about myself tho. There is enough to be discussed about me alone. I am old. At least much older than I used to be. So why do questions so like to pop up all the time? Answers are so rare. I don’t like to be the way I am. What I primarily don’t want to do is what I manage to accomplish in the end anyway. So is there a way to take away my guilt? Can I just move around without any weights hanging down from my heart? Here I come again to something I found out a long time ago. I have not yet given in to anyone. Not completely, with all my heart. Not to Jesus, not to any girl, nor to any friend. Not even my parents. I only give them hints of me and that alone is already enough to scare or anger the crap out of them. Do I really think so differently? Is it wrong that I think at all? The solution could be that I simply am not as important as I think I am. And that anyone else has importance that goes well beyond my own. So all I would need to do is ultimately crush my own existence and accept my own part. My part in guiding lost to the signposts. But even if that would be the case, could I do that? Could I make my ego disappear? Would I even want that?
I will be honest. I have heard lots of things about me. How different I am, how special. But how does that make ME feel? Hearing that from my teacher, from my friend, from my girl, from my family? Well, my mom still has a fixed look upon me. And my future. Which I don’t agree on at all. Well, I do know that she wants all-the-best for me. But how would she know what is? Can she be so sure with it, that it doesn’t even matter if I just walk away? As long as she tried to do what is the best for me? And my dad… So sure he knows who I am. What I am. What I want. Ignorance. I am well aware that I could turn out just the way he is. But something in that process went wrong. I wonder who I have to thank for that. Maybe my screwed up childhood had some meaning to it. In that case my dad had a lot to do with it. How ironic. And God really is a being with a wicked sense of humor.
So, I do need a shield against all that falls upon me. And I have one. Don’t expect anything from me. That way you will never be disappointed. My expectations of myself on the other hand are huge. Humongous. I actually have a good corner stone for that. Maybe not just one also. I am confident in that matter. I can set myself to something, and whatever it would be it is not impossible. I do not look upon the world with those average eyes the world sees. There are many people much more intelligent than I am. But would I survive anything more form what I have? With the base I have? I am not far from hallucinations as it is. Why would you want to climb the mountain that cannot be climbed, if all you need is to get to the top? Once again I got lost in my thoughts. Going from something quite trivial to something that matters. Originally, I wrote this for myself. MS Word. But it probably wouldn’t hurt if this enlightens someone for at least a bit. Don’t event want to re-read it. Because it is probably a bit too personal and shouldn’t be read by just anyone but hey… I always try to be as honest as I am capable of being. Even if it is wrapped in the weirdest things imaginable.
So what am I to do? Nothing. I will continue doing things out of the impulse. I always have. It hasn’t really proved to be an efficient method but it didn’t prove otherwise. I do forget all the unpleasant things as soon as they happen. Or shortly afterwards. No use worrying about them. Except certain ones, actions, I look back to. Actions I made, haven’t made. And it is always painful when I see unwise or just simply rash decisions/actions I made. But it is all in good teaching. As is reading. And I am done. I feel better and it is time for bed. Good Night.
/p December 02 A tale.There lived a girl. A girl that was born not so long ago. Her name was Zyra.
Zyra had beautiful eyes. Eyes with a future. Intelligently sparkling eyes that made you smile and think about things you love. Soon she started noticing. Noone was happy. Noone enjoyed what they did. There was no fulfillment. She wondered why. Wondered if she has to be that way too.
After many years, Zyra looks at the world with a pain on her face. You cannot live the different life alone. You cannot be different alone. At least not for long. You have to somewhat belong. To something. And now Zyra belongs to her society. To the world of people suffering on the inside, sometimes not even knowing it themselves.
Pain has dulled. She has stopped seeing pain of othes. She has enough of her own. The pain. Knowing the truth, but pretending. For her own good. Or so she thought.
The night has come. Early. It is winter time so it gets dark really early. Alone. In her apartment. Dimmed light. Photographs of imaginary places on the walls. No pictures of people. They are a disappointment. Egoists, stupid race that works for themselves. And it would be understandable if that would make them happy. But no, the result is the opposite.
Music quietly playing in the background. Zyra flinches. One for her favorite songs is playing. It is funny, she thinks. The top 20 songs I like are all that way. Sad, so sad. Some regret something, some wish for something, some just talk about lost love. Lost love. She wonders about that. Logically, to lose a love you have to have a love. Did she once have it? At the time she had those sparkling eyes.. She doesent remember anymore. There is just that feeling. Feeling of unfullfilment. Missing and lost emotions. How is it to be permanently happy? To.. wake in the morning and laugh when it is pouring outside. To be happy and make others happy. Happiness is addictive. Someone has to start tho.
But she.. is alone.
I want to make a change. I want to change. To my real self. No pretending. No lies. No selfishness, Zyra concluded. Maby it is a good thing I am alone as I am. If I would love someone my small little worls would probably be perfect for me. Love. Happiness. Everything. But now, I want to go outside that circle. Beyond my limits. Beyond my doubt. She lies stretched out on her sofa.
Song changes. Buddha Bar compilation. Awesome. So many different sounds. Different countries. Different people. Oh, it seems I got stuck where I am. And all that just because I ate too many of "normal" cookies of life. My ass got stuck in the narrow road I was supposed to walk on. Great, so I am going forward. Not. Borat CAN teach you something I guess.
Cookies. I want to try all sorts. And they all lie on the road waiting for me to pick them up and taste them. And while I do that, I walk and burn all the calories. I will never get stuck somewhere again. Not somewhere I dont belong. Somewhere where I am not happy. And when I find the right combination of cookies, I can live and die fulfilled. With no regrets. With the right cookie wearing the same ring I will. With the other cookie taking care of my sleeping hours. Entertaining me. The cookie of reading. The one that has all the music I love.
Some go really well with imagination. Some go good with humor. Some go good with the kinkiness. All are made for me. Waiting to be picked. Some even jump in the air, because they want to get noticed. Who ever said that he has a good eyesight? We all need glasses.
And as Zyra was in the world of cookies, the world she lived in was changing. She was changing it. Without even knowing. She was getting herself a dream. A plan. Something to look forward to. All the cookies. The one with the ring was perticulary interesting to her. The cookie of naughtiness. The cookie of laugh. She fell asleep somewhere in the middle of it. Dreams continued.
Zyra woke up. Different. With sparkling eyes. September 21 /me yawnsI could say it has been a while. There is probably noone reading this
useless rant of mine so therefore nobody should care. pretty simple. :) anyways, what's new? things changed but everything stays the same. which is good as a matter of fact. well maby not by everyones point of perspective but hey. only mine matters in any case. few examples. my music taste hasnt had any drastic changes or anything. but the feelings with the same music changed. I still like kind of mushy sad music but I am not affected by it the same way I was before. remembering my past, the mistakes I made, thigs I could have done. I am not troubled by these insignificant things anymore. what the reason would be for that, I am not clear myself. second. I figured something out. or at least got a bit further then I was before. I want to do something significant. significant is a heavy word. probably also have good personality for it. it made me realize that, right? well, have some crazy ideas about what I want to do in near future. less then 6 months. don't think there is something I will realize by staying here much longer. 20 years is long enough. this will always be my home, a place for me to return to. a place for me to feel warm and cozy inside. but there is something. inside me. boiling. waiting for me to wake up from my sleep. my 20 year long sleep. I am sleeping all my life. vegetating. so like a plant. a tree without any visible fruit. I am a special tree tho. I can decide on the type of fruit growing on me, quantity, and lastly, whom to give it to. without any regrets. and that does not really sound exciting when talking about a tree. but believe me, it is. I am. feeling of my future waiting for me. of someone waiting for me. noone else. and no, am not desperate for a girlfriend or anything, this just came on my mind. since the day I was born I met so many incredible people. I have relationships with them. different ones. it makes me richer and richer. wiser. someone told me that I can learn something from every single person on this world. now this is my kind of learning. in the end I guess it doesent really matter what you do and if I make a difference or not. as long as I am happy doing what I do, people around me I care about will also be happy. more or less. it's not like I have the power to make someone happy just by looking at them. but I guess, I am a bit different. some kind of a special touch. it is a bit scary when you think about it. being depressed and rotting screws up other people lives. just death therefore doesen't help as I might have thought long time ago.. being selfish. craaaazyyyyy. I love my life. I love all the possibilities. even tho I am usually too lazy to do anything. or just don't think something is important enough. but by us having a head and brain in it, we have a possibility to decide ourselves. on what we want. on what is important to us. or what isn't. why don't we use that head of ours and think a little? it is a blessing after all. not using a blessing we have is like commiting a murder. killing ourselves. the possibility to be myself. I don't remember anymore if there was a purpose in this blog of mine. I never really expected anyone to learn something out of it even if someone read this. it is just... I feel good. I feel good thinking about it. writing about it.learning about myself. believing in myself. in prayers. in answered prayers. therefore believing in things I am meant to do. destined to do. it is what keeps me going in other words. keeps me with a purpose while still doing nothing productive. because I see no purpose in it. or by simply being afraid. exodus is here for me. in case you read something, thank you. and in case you understood me just a bit... you rock! you gotta explain it to me.. :) just... do what you want to. what you really want to. in the most egoistical way imagined. by doing that you can start thinking about others. and making a world a better place. my five cents I guess. o/ paradoX June 21 my pics link
pics I made and actually got myself to upload them so someone else besides me can see them. and sometimes even compliment them. or criticize them. both are appreciated. :P now all there is left is to cool myself down. waa
slovenian fries >.< May 25 A contest!Ello ya all.
Had my birthday about 10 days ago. And so now am making a contest. Well, nothing too productive as usuall I guess tho. Anyone wants to guess what contest? It has to do with my camera, myself and few undisclosed subjects. ;> The prize is good. A BIG poster. So now all you need to do is offer your help in whatever you may think would I want and let the contest begin! hehe, this si gonna be fun.
you better not be sorry for not participating. :p May 06 warm like the sunI would like to keep this blog entry sweet & short. and both is doubtfull. Im rarely sweet and am occasionally short. occasions like weddings and funerals and such. in any case the ones that dont happen too often. ;>
It is kind of funny and kind of sad, how we tend to become bad. It is also somehow tragic, that we never see magic. Why we so limited be? It be so for no real fee. Fisherman sees the sunrise, he is so suprised. It never is the same, even thou it be the same. And if everything is the same, it never is the same. It changes in our eyes, for we always be changing. Isnt it amazing how nothing changes. But everything does. Would there be an ultimate emotion, what would it be? Oh wait, there is. But hey, it only does good to beez. Love it is called. And it is there sine ancient times becalled. For we can never live without love. Living is not hybernating. That certain tingling sensation. It can move a nation. Loving a friend. Loving a family. In times hard it is an ally. We are born like a tree. In truth very much free. Thank you.
I'm soo damn inspired. Or not. no clue. This is a new mood for me. kind of interesting. and no, am not newly in love or anything as some may think. am prolly not in love at all specifically. my heart just feels warm. for once. :) April 06 confsuion is in da house!I gotta say few things. first - my keyboard is screwed up and I dont feel like repeating all mistakes atm so bear with it. I dont really care. second. its broad daylight outside. Im my usual smartass self. in contrast to other times when I writtte something in here I feel pretty damn good. as I usually do since I came home. well ofcourse there are still things on my mind but they can get fixed, resolved or just left aside.
I am happy. happy with my imperfect life. which needs lotsa work on too. but it's something I can do, I am able to do. create my own future. or if I choose, not create one. that is the free will we have been given. we should be quite gratefull for that. my own opinion, my own feelings, my own mind.. well ofcourse there is someone bove us all, we are quite like hamsters in our own little way thinking about trivial things but.. it might be just what we are there for. to make a difference. somewhere. :) and it makes me happy thinking about that.. no real limits. except the ones we set them up ourselves.. like beavers would be so stupid as to stop the flow of the water right after they bult their home so in the end they have nowhere to live again. we are like that. limited by our stupidness and social status or whatever..
WHY THE HELL ARE THERE NEIGHBOURS GOSSIPING WHAT I DO AND WHAT DONT? and why the hell do we care? social status? trying to look good in front of others. if I must lok good for someone to like me then I suck. or whoever expects me to be the way he wants me to be does. So don't bother. I aint gonna change for noone out of all you guys. If and when I change into an adult, some person that can take responsibilities I will do that for myself. there it is. that should clarify some things.. ;D
I love my place. I love my home. I love my family. but there arent any ppl I love outside that circle. "like" is the tops. ;D anything else? I desire some things. not love. I will be just fine without them. I am just fine without them. me in all my packed moods. ;D
it's raining outside.. half rain half snow. it's reaxing a bit. yay. you all that read the whole thing have fun. I am. gonna go take some pics. :)
sayonara! /p |
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